The Problem With Being Easy to Talk to

The art of being seen without truly being known

There’s something about being easily accessible to everyone that leaves you feeling empty inside. That you can text six persons simultaneously on WhatsApp, have ten unread messages on Telegram, Snapchat and still feel drained after each one. And that feeling isn’t often spoken about.

Not that you willingly give yourself to these people or that there’s a certain gratification you get when you’ve responded to each person, but that you don’t know how else to not be…open. There. Easy to talk to. A people person. Authentic.

You’ve trained yourself to show up, be there for people that it became part of your personality. That if you were to stop reaching out to people now, it would feel strange and seem a bit off to you, even though the people you’re constantly engaged with could be busy with literally anything.

I saw a note where someone said they want to be open and be vulnerable because being mysterious isn’t a thing anymore, and while I agree with them, I subtly disagree because being vulnerable is work. And I don’t mean that in a “don’t tell your friends what you’re doing on a random Saturday morning” or “gatekeep everything in your life to the point people think you’re dead” but in a way that says, “I want to be open but not too open.”

There’s just something inspiring about being a person who can share things about themselves and yet still feel mysterious because you set boundaries that are easy to reach but not easily accessed. That you can overshare but not many people gets to see that side of you who’s really just a person who loves to connect and self-express.

That’s a powerful skill to master.

The art of being seen but not truly known.

Not oversharing but still being as open as a book.

People value people who present themselves that way.

“Be open with me, but not too open because I might ignore you.”

So, you edit yourself to seem like you’re that perfect listener, adviser and friend they can come to, but not the friend who can overshare with them in return because it would trigger this, “oh, so he also does this too? Nah. I can’t handle this much information.”

I want to over share, to be open with so many people, announce all my success and share the crazy thoughts that occupy my mind without having to cringe and delete them to post something utterly different because I think mine were “too much” and that people need less of whatever’s going on in my head, and would want think pieces that sound intellectual, like I work a full-time job at a publishing company in NYC.

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I want to share the beautiful photos I took, a beautiful photo of a cat or my face being sun-kissed but that self-awareness and consciousness that I might be doing too much and that people could care less, has sworn to have my life.

And let’s be real, most persons, no mater how much they might say they want to be open, be vulnerable or meet someone who is, find being extremely open to be tiring and a stress, because not everyone wants to be the person who overshares or the one who has to endure fifteen unread messages from someone who is.

There's this friend of mine who constantly texts me, sends voice messages, and the like, over explaining their day and what they did, without asking about mine. And when I’d thought about it, I came up with a conclusion that for most people, they just want to know you're there, listening, responding to their texts, no matter how tiring as you listen to more voice messages they send, simply because you're always available and you're just.. ‘easier to talk to.’

The problem with being easy to talk to is that you’re always there, and that often makes people think you don’t mind a few information, that even when you do, you can’t let them know about it, so you just...listen.

Because people don’t understand that for you, being able to communicate without oversharing isn’t an easy skill to keep up with. And there’s this subtle feeling that if you do, the same people who might find you easy to talk to, might not find it comforting when you decide to overshare with them.

People think because you’re always there and actually do listen to them, that you don’t overthink your messages before you send them. You want to be open and send them with as much emojis and extra letters to show just how much you care, but you are ever stuck in an endless loop of thinking you might be doing too much, so you edit it, until people see you as someone who doesn’t overshare, find that a comforting skill to notice and then want to talk to you more because they haven’t met someone who doesn’t overstimulate them or make them feel tired to respond to you.

“you’re just easier to talk to and I find that oddly comforting.”

“You really don't overshare, do you?”

The person who talks to you the most, who is awed by how you exchange pleasantries and can still be mysterious to the point they can tell you anything and know you won’t take it the wrong way, overcomplicate things or act out, that person finds you interesting and is inspired by that, which explains why they always come back, texting you like you’re the only breathe of fresh air and reasonable person there is out there.

Most times, the person you think is the easiest to talk with, they’re often tolerating that many emojis and letters. But this is just…I’m speaking for myself and for the recent changes in character with a few persons, but not generally.

And what I have described, it isn't a question of whether sharing is good or not, but defining that razor-thin line between emotional honesty and emotional access control.

Let that sink in for a bit.

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