We’ve all been there — changing a part of ourselves, bending the rules, making sacrifices, all in the hope of getting approved, fitting in or trying to belong. It’s a universal experience, but there’s a truth we often overlook; no matter what you do, people would always talk about you.

And there's no truth as bitter.

- If you get fat, people think you eat too much.

- If you lose weight, people think you are sick.

- If you dress well, you show off.

- If you dress simply, you are poor.

- If you are serious, you are boring.

- If you are funny, you are immature.

- If you speak your mind, you are rude.

- If you are single, people think you are lonely.

- If you are successful, you are arrogant.

- If you are struggling, you are lazy.

- If you are honest, people think you are naive.

- If you are dishonest, you are untrustworthy.

- If you doomscroll, people say you are brain rotting

- If you allow yourself be bored, people say you're idle.

No matter what you do, you can’t control how people talk about certain things. Perhaps a natural cause? I know for a fact that every single one of us have been in either one of these situations. Where you’re being judged by others. One person criticizes the other and the other criticizes another. It just keeps going on that way. Although when it becomes overwhelming, you should know when someone’s trying to advise you and not criticize you.

It’s one thing for them to talk to you about something, it’s another for you to actually listen.

The right kind of criticism is what you should work on. If people judge you for who you are, you shouldn’t change who you are because that’s how most people face difficulties with themselves. Instead live so that no one believes them.

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Why People Will Always Have Something To Say

People see the world and others from their own lenses, influenced by their personal experiences, values and beliefs. It’s always their perspective and not yours. You might resonate positively with others and fall short for some. When you understand that criticism is only a reflection of people’s inner struggles, it becomes easier to let go of the need to get their approval.

The Exhaustion Of People Pleasing

Chasing the approval of everyone but yourself is an endless race. Whenever you try to please people, you let go of who you are and consider only what “others“ think. The irony is, even if you manage to please others, someone would still be left unsatisfied.

The exhausting part of life is realizing some people already decided who you are before you even speak.

Trying to please people is an exhausting task that causes more frustration than fulfillment. The good news is, you don’t always have to keep running in “circles”. Just do you! Be enough for you. Gravitate around you more.

This doesn't mean shun off criticism entirely, because truth be told, we need to be criticized — because the kind of work we do? — It needs it.

Notice when the same criticism, received often, is a sign to work on why people keep criticizing you or your work.

The Freedom in Being Yourself

There’s nothing like being able to live freely, unbothered about having people to “attend” to or someone to please. There’s a certain peace that comes knowing you move freely, comfortably and at your own pace. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Imagine the relief of doing what you love, without second-guessing on the “approval” from others.

When you let go of the need to please people, you’d attract people who appreciate you for who you are and not the image you once painted.

The irony is even if you let people criticize you, they’d be the ones who’d continue with their lives, not you. So go ahead, pursue your dreams, live life to the fullest and express your thoughts openly. Remember you are the one who has to live with your choices. Make choices that genuinely make you happy.

Life is too short to want to care about what everyone else thinks. Be happy with who you’ve become, they’d still talk anyways. The only approval you truly need is one of yours. And not one from a demented loser behind their screens, who can’t say it to your face.

Sometimes we need all the criticism we can get, in order for us to become better versions of who we are. Not to change ourselves but to improve ourselves.

You wouldn’t know when you’re doing something wrong, until you hear it from another person.

P.S., 💌

I wrote this two years ago, what're your thoughts?

Boba 🧋

Refer a friend

I think the most hurtful thing about being alone is the inevitable, mortifying desire to be known, to exist in a way that says you have been seen and chosen. I have tried to understand why loneliness comes for us in times when we’re completely vulnerable, shown our shortcomings and in exasperation with the fact that truly being seen, truly being noticed and wanted, comes with a feeling of acceptance – that the people around you, people you look up to, finally acknowledge you – the fact that you exist, the fact that all you ever wanted was to be noticed. And I couldn’t be any more confused and bitter about it.

I baffle at the realization that most of the time, I never truly wanted a friend, just someone to finally see me. That if I were seen first, it’d mean that I was being noticed, which would automatically mean that I had a friend, but it doesn’t work that way. It comes with a bit of self-mirroring; I think a certain kind of knowing would quench, but even if I were to have all the numbers, all the fame, and people to hang around with, loneliness would only come to me most when I am surrounded by them. Because loneliness isn’t something to be felt alone – it is seen, it is observed, and noticed. Like an energy that announces a person before they walk into the room.

We say we prefer being alone. That we are introverted. That we don’t need people. But most times, that isn’t true. It’s not that we choose loneliness—it’s that we hesitate at the edge of connection.

A friend of mine says he’s alone because he hasn’t found the right person. But the truth is simple: he hasn’t allowed himself to be vulnerable enough to be found. And most times, we equate that fear to choosing to be lonely when the willpower to actually do so is being compromised. It’s not about the fear of putting yourself in the position to be noticed, but the fear of putting yourself in the position to be rejected.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” – Hauwa Lawal.

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I think what I fear most about loneliness is being rejected when I desperately want to be reached out for. That the main reason isn’t that I chose to, seeing other people in pairs, threes, fours, ever envious of them, but with the realization that my loneliness has a pattern. First, the feeling of wanting to put myself out there, being fed up with loneliness. Second, visualizing talking to them. Third, being comfortable enough that I over-speak. Fourth, the awkwardness that creeps in. Fifth, the silence after being rejected. And suddenly, I am all alone in a room filled with silhouettes, shrinking to the size of my confidence.

This goes on for all the times I’ve ever dared to put myself in a position of wanting to be seen. That I think I am utterly unable to be associated with, and with the crippling fear of doubts that resides long after I’d noticed the pattern – that I cannot be sociable enough to drive away loneliness, because I fear I have become it. Nobody chooses to be lonely; they go through an unseen pattern of fear, doubt, crisis, and then conclude that they’re better off without people, while it stings at the back of their heads, faced with the truth of their failures and inability to be noticed.

Such people want to be noticed. They want to have people who finally see them for who they are, that the slightest chance they get to something real, they express without thinking, only to feel a sword stab them when they remember losing friends is more devastating than gaining them, so they sit with the emotion long enough to either shut down or to open up again. And to be sincere, I have done more shutting down than opening up, only because I was afraid to open up, not that it didn’t kill me, walking home alone after school, or sitting in a cafeteria without someone to talk to.

People are lonely most of the time because the feeling of being rejected hurts more than wanting to be noticed. And sometimes, such embarrassment doesn’t go away easily.

I have never been told I was a wallflower, or that I was a tad different at social gatherings, even though I’d always wanted to be left alone. Nothing that went beyond being called introverted because I was a homebody. I present myself well, I sit up straight, I don’t feel an iota of suppression in public spaces, but then again, why do I want to be noticed? Maybe it is that sometimes, loneliness isn’t always about not having people around you, but it’s about realizing that you have made it your entire identity, that choosing to step away from it feels strange. Like wanting to be noticed means you’re asking for too much because you’ve existed in loneliness for too long.

Being lonely is devastating – but only because we’ve agreed that it is.

Keep Kingstack Writing

Is it weird that I don’t have any friends? That I don’t have people I can talk with every day and at any time? Everyone’s busy now and sometimes when they’re not, they don’t remember to reach out to you. They forget there’s someone who’s eager to receive their text and that smiles happily when he remembers that he has friends who could never forget him, but they don’t text and he’s ever so lonely because of that, scrolling through different group chats, connecting on anonymous bots, downloading different apps just to feed his emptiness. He never found any genuine person(s) to call a friend, all he had was himself.

He has many friendship apps downloaded, but people don’t talk to him, and he is afraid of texting first, so he admires others from their bio’s and pictures and envies the friends he sees being happy online, expressing themselves and dreams of travelling to make new friends and have a better life. He’d send a dm and get rejected or blocked and for about two years, he felt stuck and hated himself for being weak. Now, he’s more focused on himself, least he tries to be.

He writes books once in a while, has big dreams, wishes to be where the big people are in life, and to become one much greater than they. He still feels lonely, but his family is there to guide and show him love whenever he feels down. He’s still going because he remembers that he has them. Maybe that’s all he needs at times—a reminder that family, truly, does come first.

He does have friends, but they often ignore him. He’s tired of that, but he thinks if he leaves them, he’ll forever be alone. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like talking in public gatherings, that he’s introverted and feels small, that he thinks people will dismiss him if he approaches them first, so he’s all by himself, walking back home from class with Taylor Swift and Coldplay in his ears, reflecting at how easy people make friends. He’s nice, so ‘why doesn’t anyone just stops to say hi,’ he thinks.

He doesn’t like partying or loud music, so he can’t go to a party to sought out a friend, or go out late at night, it’s not how he believes is the proper way to make a friend or through a dating site, least one that really works and aren’t people in his dm’s sending pictures he never asked for.

He just needs people, one’s who truly stay. He doesn’t want a meet cute or anything fancy. Just a proper, ‘nice-to-meet-you’ handshake gesture would do. He doesn’t have to plan an absurd event just to say ‘hey’ to someone, it doesn’t feel right. So, what does he do? He just…lives with it. No one but himself, no one in his dm’s or in his mind to reach out to. He just…lives his day feeling alone. Most days that’s the reason he’s angered in the morning, depressed or sad. No one understands how he feels, alone, all day, every day.

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He remembers his emptiness for lack of friends doesn’t define who he is, just what he lacks at the moment. He’d make it out of that feeling eventually. He doesn’t know when, but he is certain. He’d write and complete his books, instead of sulking about being lonely. He started a substack anyway and hopes to see where it takes him. He’s ever open to new things. Anything that could get him to where he wants to be. But he does wonder what his friend will be like.

Maybe he’ll get a friend who talks a lot, or maybe one who’s shy and doesn’t chat much, maybe one who’s kind and brings him peace. He just can’t wait to, so he makes up imaginary people in his head on how he thinks they should be. When he meets them in real life, he’d no longer remember he once fantasized them, because then it’d feel real, and he doesn’t have to be conversing with himself, alone in his room anymore. It’s weird and his sister cringes, but he does it anyway.

He remembers that real friends would come later on in life, maybe not yet but someday, and he’d ever be so ready to accept them however they are and for who they are. He hopes they won’t lie about anything when they meet him just to be friends, he hopes they’ll be themselves and be honest with everything and he hopes they love him too. He just wants to openly share his weird thoughts, communicate with and love them. He’d hate to come off as desperate and unloved.

He doesn’t mean to be selfish, but his heart breaks when he remembers no on loves him enough to be friends with him. He just loves making friends and meeting people. He wants friendship that feels like he’s known them for eternity, even though he’d just met them last week Tuesday. He also hopes that they understand him—his inside jokes, his humor, his understanding of things, his random thoughts, his sarcasm, and that they reply with an even better sarcastic comment. He just wants a person to understand him. Not a contact list of persons, just enough that he could mirror his cycle and they’re all safe, because he’s fond of letting people go easily as he’d hope to meet them.

The ones who claim they’re there but aren’t, that give excuses. Not that they can’t be busy, but he’s not dumb to sense when he isn’t wanted. He’s tired of that and doesn’t want those kind of people anymore, but new ones, one’s who even though busy, they leave a message just saying that and not after, ghost you but can see them online, and their ‘just now’ statuses.

He also wants someone who’s available enough to send a message once in a while, even though he knows they can’t at the moment. The annoyance with that is, he’d feel like he’s disturbing them and that he’s selfish and desperate and would best let them work. What if they too were expecting him? He never texts first anyways, and they might be too busy to find out, so who’d know what the other feels?

‘Making friends is hard,’ he says.

He turns off his data, shuts his phone off and goes to write some more. He just wants someone to talk to. A friend, maybe even a pen-pal to email once in a while, It’d be great. Well, he’s ever waiting to.

I'm on a quest to find my future best friend and maybe he/she is you, so please fill out this survey:

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I said before that I was a ‘bad writer,’ and boy have I lived and do fit into that description. I’ve been avoiding substack like it were an ex I’m not quite over. The kind you know you don’t have the energy for. You want more and both of you understand each other, but somehow fall out of line with wants and desires.

So, you leave.

Letting her decide what next.

But hoping she sends a text asking you to come back.

I scheduled my posts.

I wrote outlines.

I had moments of spark – like, “wow, my readers will love this!” And then I’d ghost my own ideas and posts. Scared that they’d ask more from me than I could give.

I had this impression on my writing that maybe if I’d write half as good as the writers on here do, then my work can be taken seriously, and people can actually pay me for the 2 minutes read that took me 2-3 business days to come up with.

I learned, studied, and practiced their writing style.

Heck, I don’t even write like this, but a certain level of familiarity with one particular writer on Substack, has made me to.

I found it intimidating. I’m not jealous, I’m just confessing. Okay, I was/am a bit jealous half the time.

You see a post in a month, two, a week or 2 days, attract many engagements and reads and yours over 5 months, seating there waiting for people to stumble upon.

Most at time it’s their high increase in subscribers that makes you want to ponder if really people are actually alive on Substack.

But you’re not ungrateful.

So, when you read a “write when no one reads,” you smile, and scroll…fully aware of the resent it quietly comes with. I kept saving posts – yours too if you’re reading this.

I kept saying “I’ll read this tomorrow!”

“Tonight,” “Right now.”

But never going back to check them. Restacked posts that only meant something to me.

Comment? Not today.

Yet I wanted the very acts I found impossible to contribute to, reciprocated.

Substack doesn’t work that way, so I subbed her dm. It’s not writers block – it’s something deeper, quieter. Heavier.

The intense feeling of going back to an ex after swearing you’d never text them back. That was me with Substack. I wanted more, but I was also drained while doing so. I want to share but can’t be liable to showing up each day.

And maybe that’s what commitment feels like –Not just showing up but meaning it when you do.

And I’ve been scared of that.

Looking inconsistent.

So, I left her on read.

I became jealous when she didn't respond anymore, but flowed well with others. I wanted growth, but at the same time, that felt like greed — I had become selfish.

But here’s what I learnt:

Avoiding something you care about doesn’t mean you stopped caring.

It just means you care too much and are scared of not doing it right.

So, don’t do nothing at all.

You put it on read.

Not because you’re done,

But because you’re still figuring out what to say back.

And that's okay.

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You know how on the internet or in every other blog post, you’re told the secret to gaining “5000+ subscribers” is always “consistency”?

Yeah, well… it’s not. At least not for me.

I find it a little funny, honestly. Half the people dishing out those tips don’t even have that number of subscribers themselves. So, why the heck should I take their advice?

“For you to be a writer, you need to do this, do that…”

Really? Do you think if you launched a brand-new newsletter today, you’d magically gain 200+ subscribers overnight? It doesn’t work like that. You’d have to:

1. Follow people

2. Subscribe to a ton of newsletters

3. Leave a hundred comments,

And wait, hoping they follow back.

Stop falling for those posts like “10 WAYS TO GROW YOUR SUBSTACK FROM 0 TO 10K+.” They’re everywhere—recycled advice with different fonts. Who are you going to listen to? It’s all just noise and contradiction. I’ve seen at least six identical posts on Google already, and I’m exhausted.

Sometimes, growth is just luck.

Other times, it’s people like us—writing stuff nobody reads, hoping someone stumbles across it. (They probably won’t.)

They click your post, panic, and think: “Shit, I opened this guy’s newsletter. Go back, go back, go back! Phew.”

I read a note on Substack that stuck with me:

“If I follow you, I don’t expect a follow back. I follow because I like what you write. That’s how it should be.”

And they were right. It’s not supposed to be a “like-for-like” game. But still, I see stuff like:

“Hey, I’m new here. Follow me and I’ll follow back!”

The amount of pain I feel when I see those notes gain 200+ likes, 40 comments, and 10 restacks, while I’m here writing real stuff, is insane.

Why is it that the ones who say something meaningful are always the ones overlooked?

I’m a victim of this. You probably won’t even see this post. But I write still, for the aliens. Since everyone suddenly died or vanished into thin air.

So why do I even bother?

Because a writer is made of creativity, discipline, expression… and yes, eventually, an audience. But do you really think I’d spend weeks, writing substack posts with little or no view, just to prove a point?

(Deletes an entire paragraph full of insensitive words towards “readers”)

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I’ve ticked every box on the so-called list:

1. Choose a niche (tick)

2. Start writing (tick)

3. Publish it (tick)

4. Gain traction (...still buffering)

5. Profit and repeat? (404, page not found)

What’s next, best three out of five?

You’ve seen this too. Everyone has.

But it just doesn’t work for me. I’m an inconsistent writer who’d rather doom scroll than type. And even without distractions? Would still not get any writing done.

“Writing is 3% talent and 97% not getting distracted by the Internet.”

True words.

When I say “Procrastination is associated with a writer,” I mean it. If you’ve never felt that, then maybe you’re not who you think you are.

So, why keep handing out writing tips that don’t work for everyone?

They’re not universal truths. Everyone’s winging it.

So yeah, maybe the real tip isn’t some five-step plan. Maybe it's this:

Write when you can. Write what you want. Stop counting followers. Create for the joy of it.

Sometimes, that's all there is.

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Support my dream of being read in 240k libraries and 400 book stores here.

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Dear Newbie Writer Stop Publishing Consistently by David B Clear, on Medium

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